The past few years has been a pretty enlightening time for me as I've really figured out a lot about myself and how my brain works (or doesn't sometimes). It's pretty clear to me (and my Dr's) at this point that I'm on the ADHD spectrum, and highly suspected Autism spectrum as well (much harder to "prove"). Possibly dyslexic too. They call them "disorders", but I've never been a big fan of labels.....Just the neurotypical population's need to apply a name/classification to something that is different to them. My brain just works different than most. I know some here wil relate to this. Personally I think it's a superpower sometimes, even though it can be kryptonite a lot of times......It's a fascinating subject though, and has really unraveled my life up until this point as I continue to learn more about it, but it's given me so much clarity and coping mechanisms to deal with the struggles moving forward. Both for me, and my Children....I know you can't change the past, but you can certainly change to future. Better late than never I guess..... I'm not a psychiatrist, but If you've ever felt you were a square peg being pounded into a round hole in many different aspects of society designed for "normies" then you owe it to yourself to do some research into the various neurodivergent spectrum "disorders". Don't get hung up on the stigma of the disorder label, there are a lot of great coping mechanisms, and medication for some if needed to help with the struggles, and help with the difficult parts. It's been life changing for me. Even just the fact of discovering that I wasn't alone, and that there are other with same/similar experiences was a huge help. I just couldn't understand why parts of my brain worked so good, but others just didn't or were seemingly "broken". This stuff just wasn't around or widley understood when I was in school, but it's much different now (that's how I started figuring it out).
I had a love hate relationship with school. I just didn't "get" the point of doing what I felt was pointless homework, and all the other stuff. I mean, I learned the subject matter, Isn't that the point? Why do I have to drill it over and over, and over just for an arbitray grading system I care very little about. A "pass" was a pass right? I've always been a quick learner. Felt my brain ran much faster (not better) than my school peers, and would always get frustrated and restless when a teacher is droning on and on for days or weeks about something that I figured out the first time it came out of their mouth, and would then get pissed they were wasting "my" time rambling on about stuff I already figured out. Then they wanted to waste more of my free time by writing out pages and pages "proving" I know it. Sounds funny, but none of that ever clicked with me, I simply just didn't understand the point of it all, I thought the point was simply to learn....I would put more effort into figureing out how little work I had to do in those subjects to get a passing grade than just doing the work itself lol. When you get the entire lesson in the first 5 minutes, and you're not interested in being a show poney for higher grades, you have the rest of the class time to crack jokes, and come up with pranks......I wasn't really malicious, but I certainly took things over the line sometimes.....Many trips to the office, which I thought was great because I got out of class

. Thankfully the vice principal had a sense of humour and recognised I was a good apple, just growing on the wrong tree.
That worked for highschool. I got by with minimal effort in all the compulsories like english, history etc. Electives were a breeze. Teachers liked me, and gave me a nudge over the line a couple times.....But I more or less slipped through the cracks. Math I loved because it was problem solving, and I enjoy that stuff. I was good at quick math (not anymore) and would make a game of seeing if I could get it all done before class was over. I didn't mind doing science labs, or the math homework because I thought that was fun, but writing a 10 page report on some historical event? Or a book report on some drivel written by some jagoff poet? Nah, No interest, Not gonna happen. I made my grades by acing tests and exams. I'd put the effort in when I had to on big reports that made a bigger chunk of our grades, but day to day homework was a hard pass for me. I had sports to play, and buddies to hang out with....Wish I could remember any of that math though, I don't use it enough to really remember any of it, and I'm ashamed I really poor at it now.
When I got to college (Mechanical Engineering Tech), that no longer worked. I struggled. Grade structures were much different too, and the "system" I had carefully cultivated over the past 4 years fell apart pretty quick. It seemed like it was much more weighted to doing work for the sake of doing work.....Coupled with some egotistical Profs that could just make up shit on the spot whenever they wanted based on personality clashes with a hot headed young idiot, I ran into some roadblocks to put it nicely..... Looking back on it know, I can see the problems and issues and their related solutions plain as day. Wish I could go back and shake some sense into me to see the bigger picture, but I just haven't figured out the flux capacitor yet.....I also had a really good paying job at the time, Min wage was $6.85, and I was making $23 at GM and would much rather skip classes on Monday's and Fridays to work doubles on the line, and thought I could make up the difference on tests and exams. My Physics Prof took exception to that, and mid year changed the attendance weighting to be 20% of the overall grade which failed a bunch of us on the bubble because he was so incredibly boring nobody wanted to show up to class anymore. How can you make physics boring? It's the most interesting of the sciences, but he did, and it was excruciating for me. It was also on a Monday and friday right around shift change so every week I had to choose between work and class.... I failed again the 2nd atempt as I put in even less effort that time around because I was sour about the first, and we clashed many times, as he would just constantly change the grade structure to punish us.....The Dean even got involved at that point, I wanted him fired, he wanted us (there were 5-6 "delinquents") expelled....I stayed, but he backed the Prof on the rest, he was free to make up stuff as he felt. That caused a ripple effect as it was a prerequisite for other classes and that became a roadblock to graduating, so I never did get my diploma. 3rd, and 4th years (or a 2 years program lol) I basically just paid my tuition which allowed me to still work at GM as a student (4 year max), and just worked as much as I could. I grew up with not a lot of money, and this was the first time in my life I really had any. I think I still went to some fun classes 3rd year, but I never even set foot on campus the 4th year other than to pay the bill. Didn't care enough to withdraw from classes, so my transcript is a complete mess. I was past the point of no return at that point, and just didn't see the point in trying to right the ship. I still got a decent 20 year career out of that path thus far, Forrest Gumping my way through life (CAD designer/CMM, CNC Programmer, Machinist/Toolmaker, now Millwright), so it never was a huge barrier, but at this point in my life it feels like blemish I wish I could go back and repair.....I'm 4 credits shy. Physics, Stats, Communications, and the amusing one to me now, CNC programming lol. It's been too long I can't go retake them. Stupid system, I thought it was about acquiring knowledge, not jumping through hoops proving it.....

. I should be able to simply take those classes required and apply for my Diploma.....
I never really had a problem with "learning" most things, just with the way they wanted me to learn, the way my brain worked and the way the entire system is setup contrary to that. Even though I have what they would class as learning disabilities. Somethings come very quickly, others are a bit slower to grasp, but if I can relate something new to something I already know and understand then it clicks very quickly and easily. Of course there is a snowball effect there where the more you learn and can relate, the more you can learn and relate. If I can't relate it to something, it's tough to pound it through. I've always been a very visual learner too. Text and reading came a lot slower sometimes depending on the subject matter, but if I could "picture" it the retention was much easier and quicker. My brain is almost entirely pictures and videos, 2d/3d. I can watch somebody do something, and almost imediately be able to reproduce it. As you can imagine, youtube has been an amazing invention for me, and CAD comes very naturally.....Retaining #'s/dates/formulas etc though....Kyptonite.....I remember #'s by writing them down, and taking a picture of the paper with my brain. I usually don't have to ever look at that paper again, I've stored them as a picture. It's not all jumping over tall building in a single bound, I certainly have my struggles and issues learning stuff, but if it's in my wheelhouse it comes easily.
As to the social aspect of highschool and college I certainly got my moneys worth there

. Don't want to go back and relive any of it, but I certainly had as much fun as one could have.....A few things I would change if I had the chance for a do over, but every choice I made led me to here, and here is pretty damn good.
Sorry for the long read, AUDHD info dump......

If you got through all that I owe you a beer.
